Trifecta to Thriving in Motherhood
In motherhood there are so many choices, so many fucking decisions we have to make every damn day, which within itself is a full-time job. Throw in all the other full-time jobs of motherhood, and for fuck’s sake, if you have an actual paying job throw that in too-- and then take a big deep belly breath because it’s a lot.
The end.
Okay, it’s not the end-- it can’t be-- although, it may feel like the end of so many things: spontaneity, happiness, freedom, sleep, fun, time, etc., etc. It’s alright to wallow in the challenges of motherhood-- sometimes. But as your mom-friend I won’t stand by and watch that sometimes turn into most of the time because motherhood should be full of mirth, not martyrdom. Now, I’m not going to sit here and sling some sort of bullshit that I’m always full of joy and that everyday I choose happy or that I never daydream about what life would look like if I only had to take care of myself… I do! Because that’s fucking normal-- after all, motherhood is all the things.
But I do mostly choose joy, I do mostly have fun, and I do enjoy my motherhood journey; that’s what I want for my mom-friends too and this is my trifecta of triumph: honesty, delegation, and self-care.
Honesty
Honesty has to be the first step because you need to identify what is making you feel overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, and lonely, as well as, what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and part of a team. Of course, as a lover of words I suggest grabbing a journal and writing all the things that float into your mind; or create a note in your phone, so as moments-- as they surely will-- happen that invoke these feelings you can easily create a list.
Once you have identified all the things-- give yourself some love because being honest with yourself can be a challenge and it’s necessary in the journey of taking care of yourself and manifesting more happiness in your motherhood journey. Take the list you have created and start to categorize these things. Create categories based on your feelings. And lets be honest, in motherhood the daily mundane tasks can make us feel some feels, so if you notice you feel angry and lonely while you are emptying the dishwasher and your partner is plopped on the couch watching a show and fucking scrolling through their phone-- take note, and prepare for the next step. If you feel frustrated that your kid, your school-aged kid, seems to consistently leave their dirty clothes all over the place-- take note, and prepare for the next step.
Conversely, as you journal or tap away into a note on your phone and you smile as you input the time your family picked up the playroom without your help or how starting your day masturbating made you happier— take note, and prepare for the next step. You may have noticed that you were most fulfilled when you felt like the to-do’s for the day were completed— take note, and prepare for the next step.
Delegation
Tell the people what you want. Teach them what to do. Show them the way. Make your team—your family— work for you and with you. Many years ago, when I was managing a team of about a dozen people, ranging from 18 to 58, I learned the best lesson (little did I know how it would translate into parenting years later), which was the power of delegating.
Often, in motherhood, I see moms donning the supermom cape and doing it all. Please. Stop. Now. I will say it again…
Please stop now.
Motherhood is a long game, as in once you’re a mother, you are until you die; and, doing it all is not sustainable, it’s not enjoyable, so take off the supermom cape, burn it to the ground and start delegating. Your kids are capable of so much. Your partner is capable of so much. As a team, there is no limit to what you can accomplish.
For me, I start delegating tasks to the small children, even if it’s just a single step in an entire process, even if it takes more time; consider this front-loading information, building intrinsic motivation, promoting a growth mindset, you are cultivating your team and it will pay off.
As a mom, I worry about so many things-- like too many things-- and one of the very real things I worry about is my family functioning, surviving, and thriving if something were to happen to me. As I mentioned above, I learned a lot during my stint as a bank manager, and perhaps, one of the most impactful things I learned from a book (wish I could remember which book) on managing was this: A sign of a great manager is how their team operates and runs while the manager is gone. So, not only does delegation help you, it really helps your family.
I created a “Delegate That Shit Guide” that tells you my why and how with examples of the tasks. I also, created “Delegate That Shit Shit for Your Fridge”, which are ready for you in downloads. Or you can click HERE.
Self-Care
Take a breath, a big balloon breath (and if you don’t know that reference check out my blog about books on Mindfulness for kids) and prepare to have another honest conversation with yourself. The goal of self-care is that it satisfies you, it resets you, it fulfills a part of you, it reinvigorates you, it makes you glow… it is not what others tell you self-care is, or should be, or works for them. Sure, try something someone suggests, and then, be really honest with yourself-- is it truly an act of self-care that quenches something within yourself.
For me, self-care has so many various forms, so many in fact, I will list them:
Masturbation
Hiking
Lifting weights
Reading
Swimming
A solo beer
Writing
Doing my nails
Dance party
Massage
Beach
Thrift shopping
A date with my friends
A date with my husband
A date with myself
Doing my makeup
Organizing a part of my house
Purging junk
Masturbation
My point and what should be the point of self-care is that it is solely for you. So, if the 20 minutes it takes you to pick up the dog shit in the backyard while you listen to your favorite podcast is restorative, then yes, that is self-care. I despise the pressure placed on moms to have self-care be a Pinterest experience-- that is not reality, and also, not restorative for all.
Self-care is completely about you, so do you, not anyone else.
I understand that letting go can be challenging. I understand asking for help may feel like another thing to add to your list of to-dos. I understand that implementing this “Trifecta to Thriving” may feel like it requires too much energy. And I need you to understand, as your mom-friend I will push you to do more for yourself because that keeps me demanding more for myself-- mom-friends are magical that way.